I called for help today.  Finally.  I promised blaaT™ I would last night after another breakdown/meltdown.  Every day is just such a chore and I hate having to deal with it all.  I walk down the street looking down, not able to really get my head up and face the world because I feel like such a loser, failure and that nothing is worth my time anymore.  I want to be happy again, but every time I try, it just goes away as quick as it entered and I am left with nothing.  The only thing I have going for me is my dear husband.  I love him so much.
So I will begin therapy on Thursday.  I want this to end so I can be me again, but I don't think that will come for quite a while.  Too much to work through. 

I still hear those words Amanda said... "fail" and "no positive feedback" and it debilitates me still.  I am daily reduced to tears and believe every single time that I am those things.  She wouldn't have said it if it were not true...