I'm Just Sayin'...©

Oh dear! I have lost much time with my new job. I like it so far and today is my first sick day. Coming down with a cold? I was all ready to head out the door and realised that I just felt so bad that I would be pretty useless. Rather take the day off and get well rather than push myself and mess something up. I do feel bad about it, but I felt worse.
I still have a headache and am so incredibly tired, but I think tomorrow will be much better having had some rest. Might just be run down? I feel it. No appetite although my tummy rumbles, still going to the gym despite the lack of energy (read: calories)and running around work with too much going on. One day I think will make the difference.

I am going to lie down to catch up on some Come Dine With Me and wait for my darling to come home with dinner. ♥

bye!

Almost immediately after posting yesterday, I got the email...
Job offer! Excellent!! Texted everyone in my phone that now I can officially complain about Monday mornings, wear business casual and sit on a train every day. I get one week to pull my finger out and take care of some of the outstanding things I have put off while looking for work. Now I can actually go out on all day excursions witout feeling guilty about not checking the job sites and my email.

Tomorrow is The Husband™'s birthday, so I will make sure to get his gift and suprise him at lunchtime for sushi. He will love that. Then head off for some shopping for clothes for me ( need to make sure I am all stylized for the new job) and meet up with darling man to head to the pub for birthday drinks with the gang.

Ah... the hangover from copious ammounts of champagne and wine last night is taking its toll nicely today. Shame I feel so rotten, its a gorgeous day out.
Oh wellz.

Great interview yesterday. I left with a nice feeling about the place. It was very informal, very relaxed and sounds like a decent place to work. Now its just all about the waiting... 5 of us got selected out of abotu 150. I will be pleased as punch if I get it. If I find out by Thursday, that would be a great birthday present for The Husband™

Hurry and decide. Hurry and decide.
Hurry and decide. Hurry and decide.
Hurry and decide. Hurry and decide.
Hurry and decide. Hurry and decide.
Hurry and decide. Hurry and decide.

And in other news... I am going to enter another photography contest. It rocked that I got one of mine published in the local borough, so let's see if this begins something new for me. Stel said that I should move into photography as a side project as well for the cash. Not sure if I want to do weddings and such, but I suppose its a start.

Lastly, and not sure if you need to know this, but my favorite trousers are getting a bit of a split in the rear seam.

Oh dear!

Before I really need to leave the house to get some fresh air. I have been commanded by my dearest love to go out, pick blackberries, take pictures and stop crying. Okay. I can do that.

I hope to hear back from 1 of the 3 recruiters that called yesterday saying they would put me forth for some jobs. 2 of which are contract, and I hate contract. That means that in 9 months time I will be back here doing the same damn thing again. w00t.

The emotional rollercoaster is getting a little old now. Calls from recruiters and others that get you all hyped about a job and then you get nothing. I wonder if they realise just how shitty people feel when they do that.

meh. Gotta do something positive today.

3 months. Thats how long I have been out of work now and its not getting any better. I have not put on the CV that I worked in a retail store because that will make it look sh!t. So in essence, it looks like for 8 months I have been out of work. Sure, I say that I have taken some time off to relax a bit and have some "Me Time". But this is getting ridiculous.

I cant get my foot in hardly anywhere and recruiters are a fcking joke. Absolutely crap. I dont know how they stay in business when it seems like nobody is getting work out of them. But then again, how the hell are people getting work?? I have all the skills, I have an education, I have experience, but those damn emails that come back saying that I am not qualified to be even a receptionist... well, how demeaning is this becoming?

Spenging almost all day trolling the internet for employers, filling out applications, writing and re-writing cover letters on a daily basis is really killing my psyche. I cant seem to do this anymore. Recruiters make me feel stupid with their insensitive emails, and the no response to the long essay applications I spent hours on, well... I feel so gaddamn useless at this point.

I'm broke and my husbands pay packet is gone after paying the bills (except for Council Tax... that is now overdue as well as the electricity because I have nothing left in my account.) All we have to eat now is some frozen veggies, half a bag of rice, some flour to make bread and condiments in the fridge. That is what we have until the end of the month.

Please... someone, give me a chance.

1. My ex...
Is a bitter man

2. Maybe I should...
get my knee looked at already.

3. I love...
My dear Mister Man™

4. People would say that I am...
Headstrog and Funny

5. I don't understand...
People's selfish nature

6. When I wake up in the morning...
I laugh at my crazy curly hair

7. I trust...
Mister Man™ and nobody else.

8. Life is full of...
Annoying people and annoying questions about them.

9. My past taught me...
You can get over it and not blame someone else for who you really are.

11. Parties are...
borig without booze.

13. Dogs...
scare the shit out of me!

14. Cats...
I need one, not want - NEED!

15. Tomorrow is....
Saturday!

16. I have a low tolerance for...
Stupid/Selfish/Self Centerd People

17. If I had a million pounds...
I'd be rich!

18. I'm terrified of...
Dogs, Drowning, Turbulance while flying and being without my beloved.

19. When I look at the night sky I think...
How different the stars' positions are than from back home.

20. If I could be anyone it would be...
A slightly more sucessful me. Maybe in a few years time...

21. God is...
always in the background of my life, but still often forgotten. hmmmm.

22. One thing I want to do before I die...
never thought of it really, I take life as it comes and try not to plan.

23. I hate...
2 faced people.

24. If I had a superpower it would be...
Shapeshifter. Experience other points of view; bird, rock, tree, cat...

I have learned to hate/respect/question people.

I have much more respect for people in retail shops than ever. I know now how selfish people are, and I don't want to make the retail bods all the more miserable than they already are. Because, lets face it, it's a shit job. Now I make a point to make nice conversation to them, asking how their day is, what they are reading, how they feel etc. Nobody ever asks me those questions, because they don't give a flying flag through a rolling donut about the person taking their money. Which, really, is a funny thing... you would think that you would want to treat the person taking your money from you as being pretty important. I mean, you are departing with your cash in exchange for something- and we all know it - a product not quite worth the value or price tag you are paying. Cost price is significantly lower. So you slipping your debit card into the slot is in essence paying for my paycheck, and, if qualifying, a bonus for me. And yet you treat me like a child, or much more base...?

Human nature is funny.

I have decided to not read the morning or evening free papers that are handed out each day whilst on the train. All there is to read is bad news, sad news, and downright stupid news. I pop on my headphones and listen to the happiest music I can and read something interesting. Right now, it's a book called Enough. A facinating informal study of who we are as a society and our compusions to buy new things to keep up with the neighbors, find happiness in self-help books and succub to the marketing schemes involving status, identity with celebrities and those we consider to be in higher status than ourselves.
Interestingly enough, becuause I work in a higher-end retail shop, I can see the things that my marketing directors are aiming for and it has opened my eyes a bit. I wont dwell on this point, but suffice it to say, there is a real market for what the author terms "Enoughism."

Anyway, when I have my music on in my own private world, most of the time it's happy, fun and upbeat. Tapping my toes and bobbing my head gets some disapproving looks, but really, all in all, I don't care because I am probably the happiest person on the carriage. I see the papers rustling around while all the others are reading about the recession getting worse, the latest shooting of an innocent child, and looking at pictures of celebrities whose lives, at the end of the day are nothing but a handful of butt-dust to the common man, and think about how much happier these commuters would be if they would maybe, read a good book, listen to some music and relax a bit, or even (gasp!!)converse with the person next to them about something... anything!

I have a theory: London is known for having such great fashion in shoes. Sure... we need those things. We need something interesting to look at while we avert our eyes downward in order to avoid eye contact.

Just Sayin'!©

So we are going to give it another go at quitting the cancer stix once and for all. We promised each other that starting Monday, tomorrow, we are not going to smoke. We have too much going on and with me still looking for a job, we need to stash all the money we can until this dry phase ends.

I have a second interview tomorrow, which I am pretty excited about. Therapy has helped immensely and I finally can feel good about myself again. I realise now that getting the axe was not entirely my fault and honestly, I cant picture myself in that job 5 years from now. I am happy enough to take a pay cut for my happiness.

The gym will also be seeing my face again. Although I have not gained any weight, I most certainly have lost stamina and strength. It will be so good to feel that warmth of endorphins after a good workout and challenge.

Lastly, I have been able to get loads of photos for my portfolio and maybe I can start compiling some ideas for maybe even getting published. I really want a new camera, terribly! But for now, it's one thing at a time.

I hope to get this job tomorrow. But all in all... Things are looking brighter and I feel quite happy. Finally!
Take that, ex-boss!

I called for help today.  Finally.  I promised blaaT™ I would last night after another breakdown/meltdown.  Every day is just such a chore and I hate having to deal with it all.  I walk down the street looking down, not able to really get my head up and face the world because I feel like such a loser, failure and that nothing is worth my time anymore.  I want to be happy again, but every time I try, it just goes away as quick as it entered and I am left with nothing.  The only thing I have going for me is my dear husband.  I love him so much.
So I will begin therapy on Thursday.  I want this to end so I can be me again, but I don't think that will come for quite a while.  Too much to work through. 

I still hear those words Amanda said... "fail" and "no positive feedback" and it debilitates me still.  I am daily reduced to tears and believe every single time that I am those things.  She wouldn't have said it if it were not true...